I can’t count how many times my mom has referenced me using the word “sensitive.”  Sometimes in frustration— “Oh stop being so sensitive!” Sometimes in endearment— “My sensitive Clare.”  But it’s true; I’m a little more sensitive than the “average.”  This test had my “sensitivity score” at 20, with fourteen being the “average sensitivity cut off.”

Recently, Lissa wrote about optimism, posing the question “Is it inherited or honed?”  I wondered the same thing about sensitivity.  Without much research, I’m going to conclude that it’s both!  At least in my experience, and hey, this is my blog!

Looking at the points of the above sensitivity test, and exploring myself now as well as my history, I can see many sensitive traits that I have always had, and some I’ve learned. 

The next several paragraphs highlight some of these traits; obviously, feel free to skip the probably boring “About Clare” that I’ve written for personal examination.     

I’ve always cried easily. Crying at sad or happy, crying at crying, crying in frustration, fear, shame.  When I was scolded as a child, I usually cried.  However with the loss of normal hormone function over the past 5 years, I’ve noticed that I’ve become much more reserved with my outward emotions.  I still feel, greatly, but for reasons physical and learned via ED, I am be outwardly more controlled.  It takes a lot more now than pre-ED to get me truly crying, and often it comes in conjunction with a physical release such as yoga.      

I startle VERY easily.  Please, don’t try to scare me!  Don’t touch me if I can’t see your advance!  If I have headphones on, do not tap my shoulder from behind!  Do not hide and jump out at me!  I might will most likely cry.  I will certainly jump out of my skin.  And you’ll apologize profusely, but I’ll just tell you I’m extra sensitive.  There are many instances I can recall being poked from behind where my internal reaction was so forceful that I would fight to not turn around and backhand the “prodder!”  When I was sick-thin, my sensitivity to physical touch was almost painful.  My nerves were raw and so un-insulated that touch at times was electric.  I no longer feel this physical sensitivity as I did, but the memories are still with me, and I believe this is part of why I startle easily to un-invited physical touch now…a learned behavior.

I hate unsought or unplanned loudness or stimuli.  Don’t get me wrong, I like bumpin’ my tunes, but I’ve got to be prepared and in the mindset.  Otherwise, I can get pretty overwhelmed, stressed, upset.  There was a time that I stopped visiting my parents regularly because there were blaring TVs all over the place.  Fox News screaming in the living room, NASCAR in the garage, and then my dad shouting at both.  LOL!  I’ve come to positive terms with Nathan’s drumming, and he is very respectful of asking my feelings about it on any given day.  Part of my sensitivity here is that, I don’t/haven’t felt good a lot  Loud noises, screaming heads, violent sounds are not usually welcome when one doesn’t feel well…right?  I haven’t watched TV in years.  I can’t stand the shit (pardon.) programs for one, but the actual blast of the commercials is beyond irritating.  I have never been able to watch horror movies with any enjoyment.  Movies on large screens/theaters usually leave me exhausted and sore in the face from squinting.            

I do need peace and quiet.  I relish time alone.  We all need that “me time” to reset, right?  I require and enjoy a lot more “me time” than the average person I think.  I remember in my teens going on long walks, hikes, runs alone…just me and my thoughts and music.  I do this still today- long walks and hikes alone hold a great deal of fondness. Music has always been extremely important part of my self time.  It moves me; it inspires my daydreams and my ideas, my longings and prayers. 

I need a lot of time alone to sort my thoughts, feelings, life.  My mom is the same way, and I love her for not being afraid to say it.  Sometimes it is hard for me to express my need for alone time, as my want of it is probably a lot more than most peoples.  I may be seen as antisocial.  I’m not.  Also, to those who know my disorder, their fear for me is isolation.  I am the first to admit that ED has used this extensively.  I’ve grown very aware over the years of ED isolation vs. Clare time.  I wouldn’t say I’m introverted, I’m not too shy and, obviously, I am very open.  But I enjoy only so much social and activity before I get either fizzled out or very stressed that I haven’t had my time.  Putting it in percentages, my needs/wants are probably 70% me time, 30% social/activity.

I’m focused, but I can be highly observant to goings on around me.  I love to sit and people watch, and I’m quite alert in public places.  Just a few weeks ago I observed some people talking about me from across a room, noting their not so sly head gestures and words, when they thought I wasn’t paying attention.  Unfortunately for me I was attentive to their negative conversation about me. 

I’m highly sensitive to many smells.  For example, scents that I’m particularly sensitive to are bananas, non-natural scent based perfumes and colognes, Mexican spices, beer, smoke, compost/manure.  I can smell these from a long ways away.  I like bananas, and the scent of them usually revs me up!  But heavy perfumes give me headaches.  Nathan had to stop wearing scented deodorants and using fragranced body wash and lotion because the smells were waking me up at night.  Mexican spices in general are incredibly strong to most people.  They stick to my clothes, my hair, and my yoga mat and they make me feel dirty and slimy (Nathan moves my mat to the garage when he makes Mexican!)  Bar stench sickens me and makes me feel mean, angry, and resentful.  As for compost/manure, I LOVE it.  Smells like earth and brings back very fond memories of my childhood.  So yes, my nose is sensitive, but I think it is my reactions to what I smell put me in the “sensitive person” category.

I am EXTREMLY conscientious!  According to Wikipedia… “Conscientiousness is the trait of being painstaking and careful, or the quality of acting according to the dictates of one’s conscience. It includes such elements as self-discipline, carefulness, thoroughness, organization, deliberation (the tendency to think carefully before acting), and need for achievement. It is an aspect of what has traditionally been called character. Conscientious individuals are generally hard working and reliable. When taken to an extreme, they may also be workaholics, perfectionists, and compulsive in their behavior.”  Little bit.  I was like this all through my schooling, studying, taking extensive notes, never procrastinating.  Now being self employed and motivated in 2 different fields, I’ve continued to develop this trait.  ED banked on this trait too, driving me to the extreme end.  

Anyways, those are some of the traits that have me falling under this “highly sensitive person” category.  I do feel like I’ve inherited my sensitivity traits both genetically and learned, and I see how they’ve grown and developed, and even become abused and extreme. 

Our personality traits, including sensitivity, are of course governed by the corpulently complex brain.

According to this article, studies have shown evidence of differing brain activity in people who have a personality trait scientists are calling “sensory processing sensitivity.”  Basically, the brain was shown to be more active in the high-order visual processing regions and in the right cerebellum in the people who drew more detail and spent more time processing images presented to them.    

Another article highlights brain studies that show specific parts of the brain that activate our defensive behaviors such as an “exaggerated startle, hyper-vigilance, cowering, and escape.”  The post also points out that while sensitivity is NOT a dysfunction, “’Researchers say it is possible that a prolonged activation of this defense system may lead to emotional disorders’ including post traumatic stress disorder and other anxiety disorders.”  Again, sensitivity is NOT a disorder, but if left unawares…I believe it can exacerbate a dysfunction.  Douglas Eby, M.A./Psychology, a writer, researcher, and creator of the Talent Development Resources series of sites, including HighlySensitive.org, recently stated, “Certainly there are extremes of emotions that are considered mood disorders, for example, and should be dealt with as a health challenge.  But “too emotional” or “too sensitive” are usually criticisms based on majority behavior and standards.”

Being sensitive can be a gift!  Dr. Eby, as interviewed by Therese Borchard, shared 5 “gifts” of being highly sensitive.  I can see how these gifts have blessed me in my work as a photographer and yoga instructor, and deepened my life experience.

• Intensified experience of sensory details (color, taste, sound, etc)
• Increased awareness of nuances in meaning
• Emotional awareness (may increase creativity and compassion; also fuels body/health awareness)
• Creativity
• Greater empathy

Douglas also shares five possible “curses” of hypersensitivity, and again some of these and their degrees may be based on societal standards rather than actual dysfunction.

• Easily overwhelmed/overstimulated
• Overly affected by other’s emotions
• Needing lots of time/space to ourselves
• Unhealthy perfectionism
• Living out of sync with our culture

So what to do with all this hypersensitivity?  As with most things I’ve come to learn about myself, awareness is the first and foremost factor in managing my internal and external interactions and reactions.  I’m not sure if one can “un-learn” an inherent sensitivity trait, but through consciousness, I can certainly sharpen my understanding and re-shape my reaction skills.    

Based on my self exploration and what I’ve been reading, my advice is be aware of it, accept it, understand it, (but don’t try to hard,) and turn it into something positive as you experience it.  For me this means living with compassion and understanding for myself and others.  Understanding my own sensitivity helps me feel others in a deeper way, and this is a blessing as a Christian, a yoga instructor, an artist, and a woman.  It means not allowing my sensitivity to govern others by taking responsibility for my reactions.  It also means standing up in a compassionate manner for my sensitivity and protecting myself when stimuli are too much.  It means staying privy to taking my sensitivity to extremes.  It means embracing myself the way God made me and looking to Him to guide the use of the gifts that being sensitive offers!

How do you “score” on sensitivity?  How do you manage it (or not?)  Can you see its positives, negatives, or extremes in your life?