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awareness, challenges, Consciousness, ED, faith, habits, mis-trust, paranoia, personal growth, positivity, questioning, Religion and Spirituality, satya, self-esteem, yoga
The past year has been full of lessons in awareness, mindful recognition, self-study, presence, and consciousness. The books, ideas, philosophies, and techniques that I’ve learned and practiced over the past several months have been enlighteningly beneficial to my personal growth and health, physically, psychologically, and spiritually. Keeping my connection to Jesus through study, surrender, faith development, gratitude and yoga, as well as various yoga trainings, studio classes, and my personal yoga practice have all aided in my development this year. I have so much gratitude to all the people who have been a part of my life this year. Yoga instructors, friends, book recommenders, prayer partners, counselors, clients, not to mention my family, have been pivotal in introducing me to new insights and experiences and encouraging my self-examination and path to health and happiness.
I’ve come a long way baby!
But I’ve got a long way to go. And I feel afraid that the things I’ve learned over the past many months may be muddling my current situation.
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The sharp point: awareness can be a double-edged sword.
The past month has been scary for me. What do you do when you are fully aware that you are doing the wrong thing? What do you do when you literally stand outside yourself and watch yourself make bad decisions? What does it mean when you consciously make the incorrect choice? Its one thing to be clueless…that is somewhat of an excuse! But what now? Now, I just suck. Awareness is GREAT, until it reflects the truth as a hideous beast. Sometimes I’d rather be a pretty idiot.
Or what do you do when you feel that something is not right, but because of this super awareness, you fear that you may be overly paranoid? And what do you do if you have a history of not being able to trust your feelings, your body, and your own mind? Who or what do you trust when you can’t trust yourself, and you aren’t sure if God’s messages are getting through clearly?
I feel like I’m on dangerous ground via some recognizable thought and behavior patterns over the last few months, as well as noticing that the issues are repeating at the same time of year as several years previous. Awareness in that regard = good. But still…the paranoia questions coupled with the awful self-esteem and shame factor that I may be “doing it again” is making me “do it again.” No, I can’t even say that. Nothing is “making me” do anything, and I’m back to, I just suck. Because I’m totally aware.
Aren’t I?
I began this with an outline of some the experiences that I felt drove me in a positive way this year so far. And I’m mortified that I’m even posting this admission of failure. (Or have I failed? Ugh!) But I promised myself I wouldn’t hide and I wouldn’t be false on this blog. No matter how many people may shake their head in disappointment. My one comfort is that I’m practicing satya, and as a yoga instructor at least I am being an example of what I teach in that regard, although I fail in so many others. Even though I’m not even sure what the satya is.
I’m stuck…by the double-edged sword of awareness. I can’t progress because I’m either 1. to depressed that I’ve failed under full supervision of myself or 2. questioning if I have failed at all based on paranoia, fear, and mistrust.
So I’ve been sitting with this open wound for several weeks and its oozing pretty hard now. I’m not looking for pats on the back, compliments, or similar self-esteem boosters. I need clarity in the form of prayers, understanding words, or insight, and I would appreciate any offerings of such.
Thinking of you, my dear.
“…Or what do you do when you feel that something is not right, but because of this super awareness, you fear that you may be overly paranoid? And what do you do if you have a history of not being able to trust your feelings, your body, and your own mind? Who or what do you trust when you can’t trust yourself, and you aren’t sure if God’s messages are getting through clearly?”
Stop THINKING. Be Present. When you are Present, that Being is you, not the ‘you’ your mind make you to be.
Tolle will help you. Look and see. Awareness CAN compound ‘issues’ IF you think too much about it.
p
BTW.. look at your own list of support in your blog. You are loved by many. Trust us. Enjoy Life and Who YOU are, NOT who your mind wants to keep you.
p
You HAVE grown and changed. Don’t doubt it. Also, I don’t think you suck. Yes, perhaps you’re stuck, but the two are different.
I’m in pretty much the same place — watching myself making all these disordered decisions — and it’s no fun. But I’ve got to believe there’s an “other side” I can get to if I keep at it long enough.
And an oozing wound is not a bad thing. Gross and unattractive, maybe, but the oozing is often a necessary precursor to healing. So ooze, girl!
I’m rooting for you, as always.
Your reader-friends are so wise, and I echo their sentiments as well. I can also identify with watching myself live one way while knowing a different path would be better.
My personal bias is neither we nor our decisions are inherently “bad” or “incorrect,” (and I don’t know a single person who sucks, so…just sayin…) although we sometimes make choices that don’t align with our core values, and our thoughts about ourselves can be misaligned with what we truly believe about ourselves. So, what does a yogini do when she’s not in alignment?
PS: Please love yourself to pieces right now.
Hey Clare! I know exactly what you mean, though I’ve never been able to express it so eloquently.
But, the #1 thing I want you to know right now and repeat over and over no matter how hard it is to believe – you have NOT failed. You can’t fail. Life is ups and downs and you’re not going to handle them perfectly every time. What would you tell someone who was going through a hard time? Who was struggling or sad, or whatever the case may be? Have they failed because it’s not the best time in their life? NO. Just because it’s not the same problem as yours or mine doesn’t mean we need to expect ourselves to handle it any better.
Awareness is a major step, and it’s perfectly ok if you can’t do anything about it right now. You take what you can and hold on to that awareness until you are strong enough to take the next baby step. It’s the in between, and I know it’s really tough to accept, but at least you have it until you learn a new way to cope.
Try and focus on what you’ve realized is your trigger and work on changing that. Spend as much time as you need meditating on it.
Changing is really really hard. Anything worth all the effort you’re putting in will be hard. I’m going through the same thing and have somewhat passed the awareness stage to where I’m learning that there are better ways that feel better and are more effective, even though they are scary. I don’t always get it right, in fact I’m still doing it wrong 90% of the time because it’s terrifying to not know what comes after you change, but you’ll get there when you’re ready. Use your support network, because I know they will understand. Nathan loves you, your students love you, all your readers have given better advice than I can give, but I also love you, and we’re all here for you.
I’m sending you lots of hugs and happy thoughts!
Thanks everyone. I have been in an “iffy” (or is it iffy? ugh.) pattern for several weeks and I keep taking little steps to get myself out of it, but somehow I’m falling behind I think.
The interesting thing is, I trust people and I honor what you all and other loves ones say, but I don’t trust myself to be able to even explain my inner situation properly in order to be open to the right “advice.” So whatever anyone says to me…I usually justify that “they just don’t get it” and their advice is nil. And in truth, they don’t. Nobody gets anyone else really. We can relate in generalizations, but when it comes to the specifics, it is so different, no matter what the emotional issues or manifestations are! In addition, I have so many things that need to be “fixed” that I don’t know where to start. The chicken or the egg I guess. I’ve never been a person who can move forward positively under negative reinforcement, which unfortunately came to a head this past week. It was almost devastating as I took mindful steps to take care of my situation by talking to some people I trust, and instead of finding clarity or encouragement, I was thrust into a drawn out banter of how sad my life is and how screwed up I am and how disordered I am and how much I’ve ruined so and so’s life…etc. I’m trying to pick myself up from that and find a new direction. But I am spinning and spinning and Paul, when I try to be present all I feel is stuck and frozen if that makes any sense.
I guess I don’t even know where this is going or what purpose this has served but to probably just make more excuses for what I know is the truth…which is scarier than just living this screwy life I’m in now.
I appreciate each comment a great deal. You are all so articulate. Gaby, changing my outward trigger is not an option, so I have to keep working inward to change my reactions to said trigger. I think this is part of God’s plan for me, I just wish it wasn’t so much breaking down. I have to have faith that He’ll build it back up. I’ll die if I don’t.
The truth. I don’t know what a lot of that is right now. But I do know some things. I guess I have to start with those. Maybe I will take time to write down solid truths and what could be done to change those truths.
The trouble is that I want solid answers and advice when I’m not willing to give details beyond these generalizations.
In the end, the only one who can really change is me and God is the only one who knows/gets it. Sometimes I just wish there was someone/something tangible to turn to when I don’t even get it. I need better skillsssssszzzzz at recognizing positive outlets and truths.
Bla bla bla.
You’ve already got some good advice up there, but I’ll add my two cents, as you know we do have some similar struggles.
I think there is awareness and there is overanalysis, and I’m guilty of them both. Awareness is great as you are mindful of your actions. Overanalysis is taking that awareness to an unhealthy level. You question the purpose of so many things, but perhaps that’s what causes some problems. Why does this post have to have a definitive purpose? You’re reaching out–the end. You’re struggling–the end. You’re human–the end.
There are so many times I am completely aware that what I’m doing isn’t the healthiest option–I’m not ignorant to my actions–but I do it anyway. Why? Because this disease can be a bitch, that’s why. You are not weak and you haven’t failed in any respect, as who is the judge of that anyway? What is there to fail at if you’re being yourself and can find some sense of peace among the chaos?
Maybe you don’t need better skills, but rather to use the ones you have in more positive ways? Regardless, you don’t suck, you’re stuck. I think I’m the queen of this club, so know you’re not alone. Hang in there
Thanks Abby. I know you get it, and as sad as that is for YOU, it brings me a little comfort. (Sorry.)
Thanks for your encouragement. I’m trying to write down truths. It is SO hard. There is one truth I KNOW- I am not healthy in body or mind because I am and have been underweight for years. That’s all I know for sure. Do I know if more weight will fix everything? No, and that’s were the bitch comes in. So as I write “ED” keeps spinning these other “truths” out and I write them down and then sit and go…”ok this isn’t a fact, its a fear.” It is INSANE how much control that bitch has. Disease, demon, whatever it is, damn.
Bla bla bla again. I’m intrigued by your accountability person that you wrote about recently and hope to learn more about how that is or isn’t helping you. Maybe it is something I need to explore.
Or maybe I just need to stop the liar and focus on only the truth. Why is that so scary?
Feel free to shoot me an email anytime. You know I get it and I’m here if you want to vent or just try and clear your head a bit. I don’t know how much help I can be, but I can be a friend!
Hey Clare. I know you can do this. Like Gaby said, change is hard, but you CAN do it and you will.
Thinking of you. Hugs.
“What things so ever you desire, when you pray, believe that you receive them, and you shall have them.”
Mark 11:24
One of my favorite quotes. It inspires me to remember:
1. Believe that God CAN deliver.
2. Take the time to figure out a prayer befitting what you are aware of now. We know what we don’t want. To love ourselves is to meditate and discover what we DO want – this is the part you know that no one else can figure out for you. This is between you and God so be honest (Satya) with God.
3. Then offer your prayer like a Mantra.
Trust in God.
Let go and let God.
God who makes the sun rise and set, turns the earth, makes the fruit come from a tiny seed – surely that Power can handle your problem.
WOW Aruna, I don’t know what to say. You are so eloquent. The passage you outlined is one I need to remember. That is the essence of faith. I’m trying to outline what I desire SPECIFICALLY. I know He can handle it and I know He will bring me through it, I really do have a certain peace in that. Thank you for the reminder.
And for the mantra reminder…to keep focus and use yoga/meditation as part of healing and worship and faith building and space creating…
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