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awareness, brain, confusion, ED, ego, health, meditation, mindfulness, practice, questions, Thought
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How do you know if or when being (i.e. practicing meditation, mindfulness, presence, etc.) has developed into a form of doing, or in my case, NOT doing?
I’ve been struggling sitting with an “elephant in the room” (or a better analogy…being sat on!) and not sure when or what my next “move” is to get the elephant to, um, move. I’ve been meditating and mindfully mulling…watching and waiting, but in the meantime, I’m wasting away and becoming anxious and impatient too. In the past (obviously not being present with that statement, but I’m drawing reference and learning from past lessons…) I’ve been in this “inner calm before the storm” in similar situations. I feel peaceful, but maybe sick peaceful that “ego” is happy where it has me. So part of my confusion is if this is “ego peace” or “trusting the process peace.”
The “fruits” of my practices aren’t manifesting into certain actions that I’m not sure how and when to take, but that need to be taken (I think?) for fear of further deteriorating health.*
I feel like I might be using “meditation” as an excuse to not act. What I mean is, am I telling myself that I don’t know what to do when I really do, but don’t want to because it’s so hard? And in turn, using the justification that I’m just “meditating on it” and “waiting for an answer?” I don’t know. I’m so confused. As soon as I consider that I’m becoming aware of something, that there is a clearing occurring, there is a conflict and I don’t know what “voice” to trust.
I think just writing that out and using the word “conflict” was enlightening in itself. Truth and peace and presence are not conflict. But would truth “fight back” against another voice in that manner? Would truth rise up to defend itself with an argument against “incorrect awareness”? This is where I get confused. And it’s not like I have a directive answer when the clouds part…there is now when, how or why…it’s only, what needs to be done.
Logic and facts haven’t moved me in the past. People tell me to do this and that because of XYZ and I know all the science and stories and none of it trumps this force that seems to control me. Anxiety or fear doesn’t work. Threats? Bah, ego loves it. And I thought for a moment, I suppose the fear of inaction has to become greater than the fear of action in order for action to occur…but then I’m only being driven by fear, and that is NOT of God, of love, of truth! That’s just ego math.
I guess I’m trying to sort out these inner voices, but when I seem like I have it sorted…seconds later I’m confused again. I’m trusting that I’m moving in the right direction by practicing being, I’m just scared it’s not fast enough and there is a lot (to me) at stake.
It’s a bizarre and depressing place to feel you have a level of knowing, of awareness of the ego’s workings, but continuing to stay a prisoner to it. I’m not saying I know it all, but what I do know and see I still don’t…change. And that’s confusing.
I’m not sure what I’m looking for in posting this. I’ve written pages and pages trying to sort it out, trying to make it make sense to myself and maybe to someone else so I could just get a nod of knowing or compassion…maybe I just need someone to relate. I know isolation can be dangerous sometimes, so I suppose I’m taking the step to reach out a little, in a safer-for-me and non-confrontational way. Maybe that in and of itself is a “fruit of my practice,” heh. Anyways…hoping someone else’s meditation practice experience could offer clarity.
*If you follow my blog or know “my story” (which NO, does not define who I AM), you can probably guess to what this all relates, heh. The progress that I’d shared here has been lost significantly over the last 3 months. Maybe some of you might understand the “calm before the storm” analogy, regarding. Bla bla bla.
God wants you healed and whole. That includes overcoming fear. That includes eating. That includes not ruminating when you know that food and healthy weight are what begins the real path of healing. Those are the facts. Staying in that place consistently is where the real work of meditation and reflection begins. You can’t do the work of meditation unless you are nourished, in many ways. It is tough crappy painful work. Turning off the freight train in your head. God walks with you in those moments. Never alone.
Blessings and Peace
Thank you TMR. The facts, yes. This I know. Making the move on it is what seems so impossible, but I appreciate how you put it, “staying in that place consistently…” That gives me great confidence in this process, that I’m moving in the right direction, even if I feel like I’m not “doing” anything.
And yes on road going two ways…proper body nourishment and and soul nourishment go hand in hand and I know that I’m struggling MORE with the spirit because the body is so, well, you know.
Thanks.
I think your practice of being will support the doing . . . if you actually DO. And what I mean by that (non-critically — I know how freaking hard it is) is that you just must jump into one healthy new behavior. EVEN IF YOU DON’T FEEL LIKE IT . . . because if you’re anything like me, you will never “feel ready” to start eating more, and eating more healthy fats, and cutting down on excessive exercise. You just have to do it. You can take it small — add an extra snack, or add some fat to a pre-existing favorite meal (my favorite is peanut butter), and try that for a week or two or four. And then the next week or fortnight or month, add a new behavior change — perhaps upping the cals again, or taking an extra rest day, or cutting your exercise time.
I know it sucks. I know it’s hard. I know it seems like if you do something to move forward toward recovery you will be committing suicide. But that is just ED lying to you. Pray pray pray, sit sit sit, and then DO. Just one thing. Try it and see what happens. Like TriMom said, God wants you healed and whole. He did not make you for enslavement. That is ED’s (and Satan’s) lie. And the world needs you whole, too!
Thank you for being so candid in your struggling. Battle on!
Just thinking some more — that above comment I left seems so inadequate as advice/encouragement in the face of the mountain every disordered eater has to conquer. There’s really nothing helpful I can say — you KNOW what you have to do. You have all the “equipment” to climb that mountain. Now you just have to do it. So yeah . . . take just one tiny action. Just one. Micromovements, as SARK says.
For me, moving forward toward recovery meant a lot of “sucking it up and jumping in..” Something that helped me was to tell myself that right now, my primary job in the word is to heal. That would make taking those terrifying healthy steps much more do-able, or like I just had to do it, period.
Also, continuing to see my therapist throughout all that (twice a week first, then once) was instrumental. Are you still seeing someone? I think clinical support is essential. Without my therapist, I’d be dead.
Okay, I’m done now. I love you, I think you’re great, and I long to see you move back toward health again. Go, courageous woman, go!!
This comment wasn’t visible before I left my own, but I just wanted to say it’s all kinds of awesome. Clare, you are so lucky to have such an insightful friend, and Beth, this is also just what I needed to hear.
Thank you Beth. The micromovements thing is really important. I do try to do this. But I also tend to micromove something backwards if I micromove “forward.” What I mean is, everything has this transactional quality. Ok, I ate a little more…great. But the anxiety about it gets channeled often into exercising more. I just can’t seem to break this. I guess that would be a micromovement in itself.
Well anyways, thank you for recognizing the suckiness. The hardness. The fear and terror and all the horrible feelings that go with this. Thanks for getting it and for your honesty.
No on the therapist. Meh, bad experiences. If had the time or freedom for inpatient, I would consider it, but truly I do not. I’m sure that sounds like an excuse or cop-out, but it certainly isn’t something I just wrote off without a LOT of consideration. Truly, I wish I could, but the blockages are far to many.
TriMom said exactly what I would have said if I could have said it that eloquently, so I won’t ramble. All I can say is that writing out pages and pages and looking for a “solution” is really just time spent ruminating a bit on a situation that you actually know the solution to. We all know what we “should” do, and although that doesn’t make it any easier, it can take off some of the stress.
Trust me when I say I know what you’re going through–and I “might” be going through it myself. Your head says one thing and you make yourself and exception to the rule, when in fact, that unattainable peace is actually available to us as well. I suppose we do have to be nourished enough physically to accept it, even if we feel that spiritually we’re in a much healthier place. We can trust in whatever forces we believe in to guide us, but in the end, we are the ones that have to act.
Abby, I admit to the ruminating, and sometimes I think that I’m just trying to keep myself confused so I don’t act. Journaling might be a double edged sword. Through it I DO find a lot of clarity because when I write down the thoughts and arguments and fights in my head, and see it on paper…I can often see how ridiculous it is and just come back to the truth, the “solution” as you put it. But yes, it can be ruminating too. And the draw to journaling might even force internal arguments that wouldn’t have otherwise been there simply for the sake of having something to write out!
Yah, I know the physical factor is fucking me up. My ED reactions are so strong and immediate and literally panic attack inducing. But the rest of my brain is a fog. And I can’t seem to focus my damn eyes.
I keep trying to fix just the spiritual…hoping that the intense fears surrounding physical “progress” (or even “regress” I guess) will soften. I guess the only way to test it is to try, and I think the longer I “wait” the stronger and deeper the fears get.
Bla bla bla.
Hey Clare, I was waiting to post on this because I wanted to see what other (more eloquent) commenters would post. I think I most agree with Beth. There is only so much writing and journaling and meditating and thinking you can do; after a certain point you have to just jump in and DO it. The process reminds me of a story I read somewhere – there was a man who spent untold nights reading about sailing – sailing around the world, just for fun, racing, etc… One day he bought a boat and continued to read. It didn’t work!! Years later he still didn’t know how to sail his own boat though he could *tell* you all about how to work it. I think the punchline was something like, “I know how to do this, I studied, I read! But I still can’t steer the darn boat!”
I don’t know how you switch from being passive to active in recovery but I do know that it’s possible and that it happened to me. And it can happen for you as well.
P.S. I just remembered where I read the story and it was in the book “Making Peace With Food.”
Maggie,
Thank you for your supportive words. That story made me LOL but I also took the truth of it to heart. Eventually I think my excuses will run dry and get old. I see them all pretty clear now, err, some of the time…but thats more than in the past I suppose. Thanks for being there Maggie, I know you understand and that makes me feel supported.
Clare
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