I’ve been diligently practicing meditation for about a year now. I was initially interested based on the science and studies surrounding the physical healing properties of the practice. As an endorphin addict, I was hoping that meditation would give me the hormone kick I needed while reducing my exercise activity and gaining some ground, err, weight, oh whatever…and further recovery.

I was quickly drawn to the spiritual and Yogic aspects of meditative practices and began meeting with a yoga-meditation class once a week. When my schedule disallowed that option, I found another group, which I continue to meet with on a weekly basis.

As I moved into a more spiritual practice, regarding, I had very good teachers who led me to let be. I was guided by my main teacher, Sr. Margaret Galiardi, friends in my sitting group, along with books by Rolf Sovik, Erich Schiffmann, and John Main, and articles and talks by Laurence Freeman, Bede Griffiths, and friend Benjamin Riggs. For all the practice styles, types, variations, preparations, backgrounds, and brands of meditation there is to explore, I was blessed to be encouraged collectively by all of my examples from the beginning of my meditation journey to practice without expectation.

I wasn’t “hoping” for “results.”

So after a year of practice, I’m not asking “what have I gained from meditation” based on any expectancy I had that there would be a “gain.”

And with that, here is what I’ve gained! In seriousness, life with ego-ED totally freaking blows right now.  How can I consider I’ve gained anything, as I’ve basically “gotten worse,” regarding? As Benjamin Riggs defined, “Meditation is the practice of letting thought breathe. Allowing the mind to come back to the present moment. Allowing thought to touch the here-and-now.” Nothing in that simple and true definition is termed “medicine” or “fix” or “remedy for eating disorder.” This is not what meditation is for, but I do believe and trust that through this “letting thought breathe,” a process of transformation is happening inside, however slow or un-seen it seems.  

I feel that there have been positive developments in spiritual, physical, and emotional aspects of my life since I started practicing meditation. Here is an outline of what I recognize more tangibly.

• Pain management. All this beating up of the body via ED crap…it hurts. I’ve noticed that during and immediately after my sitting sessions, my pains are reduced, and the morning after my group meditation meets is typically the most comfortable morning of the week, body-wise. I truly believe that the regular practice has had a healing effect to my physical structure, and if I didn’t practice, I would be a lot worse off than I am. This is a very tangible “benefit” that I’ve noticed from meditation practice.
• Awareness. Ok, so I’m still not onto the action so much…but I see a lot. Meditation has helped me learn to “observe” ego. There’s a lot I miss, obviously. But there’s a lot more that I see now than, well, pre-meditation I guess. My notch tree is running out of room! Honestly, it totally bites to be in this situation of seeing the nasty manifestations of ego but continuing to allow it. But it’s better than being ignorantly pulled along…I think.
• Pause. “Don’t panic. Take a few breaths, close your eyes, and seek the Truth of the situation.”
• Friendship and connection. The teachers I’ve learned from online and in person, and friends from my meeting group have been welcome lights in my life!
• Listening and (divine?) inspiration. Creative inspiration has been an oft occurrence of meditation exercises. In Moving Inward: The Journey to Meditation, Rolf Sovik says of meditation, “Instead of battling to suppress thoughts, we learn to calm automatic and instinctive reactions to them, and develop discrimination. Productive thoughts are reinforced, while unproductive thoughts receive little or no energy.” I’ve been blessed many times with a spark of productive thought process during meditation practice that cycles back to me later in an equally productive and recognized manner in my life.
• Surrender. In his book, Yoga: The Spirit and Practice of Moving into Stillness, Erich Schiffmann says, “God’s will and your own are one and the same.” I trust this statement as true, however I’m not at a place where I feel able to truly recognize “my own,” so I continue the practice of placing my trust and surrendering control “upward.” (My distrust of “myself” is the continued unfortunate fear of identification with ego-ED…working on it! No, surrendering on it.) 
• Prayer. So, I’ve always prayed, ever since I was baptized when I was 10 years old. I mean, I guess. I just talked. I asked for stuff. Stuff I “wanted.” Stuff I thought was what I needed. Bless him, her, this, that, the other thing. Help me with this, give me that. Meditation has taught me to, again, let go, surrender control, and LET GOD.  Because I suck at knowing what I need. So meditation is a practice of handing that over to the Holy Spirit and trusting that the hidden needs of my heart are sorted out for me.
• Mantra. Practicing in the Christian meditation tradition, I adopted a mantra to focus my breath on. I find myself in the mantra randomly throughout the day, in yoga practice, traffic, grocery store lines, etc. The positive influence of the affirming words and breath are etching into my psyche.   

This is a brief outline, but I trust there are much deeper benefits to meditation. It took 29 years to form this crazy brain of mine, and a year of meditation practice has given me glimpses into the inner workings of the messiness. What will year two bring?

No expectations.